The Wind that Shakes the Barley (Akbar)

Dear Akbar,
° In this symbolic (miao!--English teachers never give it a rest, do they?) prefiguring of the Bush-Saddamite War of the Century, two oathtaking, uniformwearing, welldrilled armed forces are depicted: the British Army, which is fighting and bleeding and dying in order that British plutocrats may continue to lord it over Ireland (and over the British tommy's kith and kin back home); and the Irish Republican Army, which is fighting and bleeding and dying in order that Ireland may be lorded over by Irish plutocrats.
° The only other thing the two armies have in common is that neither has yet heard of "collateral damage." Consequently, both armies murder civilians in plain English.

§

° Meanwhile, as I assured an unbelieving you three months ago, the Bush-Saddamite War is over. Just this morning I heard on NPR that General Betrajus had fluttered the white flag of unconditional surrender. Quotha: "The Surge is not working."
° So now the U. S. Army joins the American people in begging and beseeching the CommanderinChief to bring back what's left of our defeated forces while there're still some forces to bring back.
° I know you think this reflects badly on the military acumen of our CommanderinChief. The utter, Viet Namlike rout, I mean.
° But no. This too is all part of the Master Plan, and bimeby I shall astound you with the cunning thereof.

° The Scots Knew What to Do with Barley, Giac.

Bargain Babies (Lad)

Dear Lad,
° Did you ever buy you that Chinese baby? (I know folks call it "adoption," but that's like Don Imus's calling "young women" "---------------.") What did she set you back?
° I only ask because Marcello tells me that there's a 5-star hotel in Guatemala City with a room all fitted out like an animal adoption pen, or an alligator pit. Guests stand around and coo to the babies and select the one that comes when called, or whose markings strike the fancy.
° Costs $10,000 per baby.
° But $9000 goes to the middlemen, only $1000 to the mother.
° So the true fair trade cost of a beautiful, healthy, partMaya baby is $1000. Plus air fare. (Though if all nations abided by NAFTA's Infant Free Trade Treaty, of which the U. S. is a founding signatory, the fair trade cost could be expected to plummet to bargain basement levels.
° And at that point it will be vastly cheaper for the Government to outsource the production of American babies rather than to continue to subsidise our native labouresses.)

§

° But don't feel cheated. At least you have the satisfaction of having rescued one little Chinese baby from the agony of memorising all those heiroglyphs.

° Sincere as always, Giac.

Digging It (Sandy)

Dear Sandy,
° 3 in the afternoon. The phone rings. I listen in case it's not vinyl siding.
° "Giac, this is ----- at the Chamber of Commerce. I have a tour group headed out your way. If not convenient, give me a call right quick."
° So that's why there was a Trained Seal in my coffee scum this morning: I immediately fall into line and make a list of mostneeded tidyingsup. As I have about 30 minutes to put the plan into place, and as the first Spring mowing is top of the list, I throw away the list and fall back.
° Fall back position is to sham animal cunning.
° And just in the nick of time it comes to me. I grab a spade and am molesting a stray viburnum as the van pulls up.
° I freshen up that vacant expression that so naturally adorns my face and let them begin.
° "Mr. McLey?"
° "O no, I live down the road a bit. Mr. McLey disappeared sometime during the winter, nobody knows where. That's why the gardens are such a shambles."
° "My goodness! Have the police--? Well the woman at the Chamber--."
° "O go ahead and ramble through, I'm sure he wouldn't mind."
° I noticed they were all staring at the uprooted plant.
° "O this? I'm just digging up a few plants I know he would've wanted me to have. Before somebody else gets to them."
° They moved on down the path right fast.
° And as they went googoo over the spicy scent of the burkwoodii viburnum hedge, the complementaryscented Actaea, the Orchard and its mixed daffodils, the redbud alley, then disappeared behind the evergreens, I hightailed it into the house and lowered the roman shades.
° That was a close one.

° Lilywhitehanded, Giac.