Doing the Maths (Coz)

Dear Cousin Juggler,
° I had scarcely sipped my first coffee when NPR announced that NBC and CBS had rejected, as too "out there," the United Church of Christ’s advert inviting samesexers, darkskinned folks, and speakinginspanishtonguers to come to church.
° My Goodness! said I to myself. 30,000,000 hispanics (give or take), 30,000,000 african(ancestried)americans (give or take), 30,000,000 samesexers, and at least 60,000,000 mixedsexers (just ask Dr. Kinsey). That’s a grand total of 15,000,000 Americans, not even counting the countless sexually promiscuous single differentsexers.
° The calculator upped it to a bodacious 150,000,000 Americans.
150,000,000 Americans who, knowing when they’re not wanted, won’t ever again flip the channel to NBC or CBS. Devastating to the ratings, just devastating.

° And bimeby I realised those same 150,000,000 Americans would be transferring their memberships from the Catholick, Baptist, Methodist, Anglican, Pharisee, and Unmentionable Churches that discriminate against them, to the United Church of Christ, which invites them (or tries to, if the public airwaves would only let ’em).
° And that would mean two things.
° One, Piers and Dr. Worklich and Murray Duggles and Tex Tyler won’t have a tenor or alto left in their choirs come Sunday.
° And two, that the UCC will overnight become the Church whose ass Politicos will be most eager to kiss.

° 150,000,000 communicants! Versus 10% of the 50,000,000 who voted against The Pink Menace. (Abortion I leave out of the question, I am male and I can have nothing whatever to say on the subject.)
° 150,000,000 versus 5,000,000.
° You do the maths.

° Your Cousin Fool, Giac.

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Subtraction (Coz)

Dear Cousin Juggler,
° I forgot to mention, that not two hours later, as I drove to Pope, I was listening to AMOUR-1000, the call-in. The topic was "What would you do if you walked in on your husband with another man, or your wife with another woman?" "Why, join the Church of Christ and be one big happy family," I piped up.
° But I was a minority.
° Although all the men would forgive their women, it turned out that all the women would leave their men as soon as they themselves got out of jail.
° For every manjack of the ladies intended to castrate by means of buckshot or Bowie knife. The panel of experts, two of them black preachers, tittered manfully in agreement.
° So I may’ve been a little premature in adding those 30,000,000 darkskinned folk to the UCC rolls.

° 120,000,000, then.

° Your Cousin Fool, Giac.

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Defection (Coz)

Dear Cousin Juggler,
° And then came noontide.
° I’d just finished my swim, had showered and dressed, and in comes Chaz. How’s the wife, how’re the babes, sez I. Excited over Christmas, asks I. Staying home or going to Grandma’s, enquires I.
° Excellent, most excellent, yea verily, both.
° And then if he doesn’t just whip it out and salute the flag. I representing the flag. It’s mighty kind of you to say so, sez I, for I’m always glad for folks to be glad to see me. I’m just fixing to proselytise for the C of C when--
° --when a couple of Primer type geekoids from work come through the double doors and Chaz, scantily speedoed, is at once all footbally and soccerpappy and Idon’tknowwhatally. Fully deflated, like a pricked balloon.
° Say hello to Mrs. Chaz, sez I in parting. He glares at me as if I’ve outed him on NBC or CBS.

° So, 60,000,000, for the mixedsexers’ll never get their wives’ permission for decircumcision, and maybe not even their boyfriends’.

° Your cousin Fool, Giac.

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Deduction (Coz)

Dear Cousin Juggler,
° After a light dinner of latkes and sour cream came Alexander. Was ever a film so savaged by reviewers? Samesexers blamed poor Oliver Stone for not making Colin and Jared play the classic videogame, Tops & Bottoms. Differentsexers savaged the film for showing a samesex mouthtomouth in Pakistan, in a Room at the End of the Known World. Nobody gave credit to the most precisely portrayed bloodletting in the history of cinema. Must say, didn’t make hacking and stabbing (aka War) look all that much fun.
° The music, at least, did suck hardcore, the worst I’ve heard since Spiderman. (Harry Potter had the friskiest newwritten score since Eric Korngold. Closer had the hardestassed torchsongs joined to the hardestassed Mozart ever recorded. While poor Alexander just got synthetic moanings and groanings.)
° But my point was, that the audience, such as it was, was entirely old geezer differentsexer exArmy couples. Not a hip samesexer in the lot.
° Even though Alexander presents without flinching or exaggerating the only known period in Western history during which mixedsexers, if not indeed samesexers, had a fighting chance for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. For, in actual fact, it is entirely plausible that Alexander and Hephaistion, devout Academicians (for Socrates was nearly as inimical to the goddess Venus as was Moyses himself), never actually got past first base, or at most past second, with one another. Platonic Love--it’s not just a cliché, it’s a whole neurosis of its own.

° So, 30,000,000. Samesexers as limp as a wrungout speedo.

° Your Cousin Fool, Giac.

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Difference (Coz)

Dear Longsuffering Cousin Juggler,
° And that very evening, no sooner had I drank tea and pandafied the Cat, than Terry Gross was interviewing two guys whose updated documentary on the Religious Right is just fixing to screen. On Cable not network, it goes without saying. HBO, to tell the honest truth.
° The 50yearlong preamble of redbaiting. Yet I had forgotten that it was the School Prayer issue, back in 1972 (!), that really started the wheels rolling. Abortion was but a lateterm asskick.
° And GastheFags only became a conscious religious strategy in 1992 (!), when it had become clear that Communism was as dead as America’s own Democratic-Socialist Party is today. 30,000,000 poor limp samesexers have to bear all the animus that formerly a couple of billion ironhard Communists shared among themselves. There’s gonna have to be some right smart butching up, seems to me . . . .

° Yet, I always look on the bright side.
° There’s still the 30,000,000 left.
° There’s still that shocking headline from Overton’s Hispanic giornale, "Un Infierno Para Los Gays La Reelecion de Bush." For the Mexicans have been watching Oprah, they’ve learnt that no one is free if all aren’t free.
° And just as the Mexicans make all our beds, cook all our meals, build all our roads, load all our garbage, harvest all our food, chew it and digest it for us, then brush our teeth for minty fresh breath, do all the little chores we lilyfaced Gringos are now too pansyassed to do for ourselves, so it is that the Mexicans will have to resurrect singlehandedly the ideal of Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness in this country.
° For it would be entirely beneath native samesexers, mixedsexers, darkskinned folk, and single differentsexers to lift so much as a frail little finger.

° Your cousin Fool, Giac.

P. S. Don’t omit from your Mind and Intention l’Immacolata (oggi) and la Guadalupe (I’ll get the candles and water, you get the masa, gentle Coz?), la Vergine Madre di Dio ci protegga. Sono sicuro che nessun dio ci aiuterà.